October 3, 2020 General Conference

 Something so comforting about starting conference with President Nelson opening up the conference. There's a confirming spirit when the prophet speaks.

Elder Bednar

"Decades of admonitions to prepare".  Ominous tone to this message.  I wonder if we are thoughtful enough about our own preparation.  As we sit here and watch conference as a family, I am missing sweet Tay who was always here with her notepad or computer, thoughtfully prepared to learn from the general authorities.  

Yesterday Genesis and I were talking about following passions in life, and if it really is important to find and chase your passion.  I was thinking about this experience of watching a daughter leave our home, and the heartache of not having this young inspiring woman, daughter, and friend in our home.  Over the last couple months I have felt the weight of her absence, but also experienced one of the most rich and fulfilling feelings I've ever had to watch as a daughter leaves our home prepared.  Prepared to stand on her own two feet, prepared to have her testimony and convictions tested, prepared to face difficult challenges and not wither, prepared to accept the weight of adulthood and make her own choices, prepared with a knowledge of how to be guided by the Holy Ghost.  I have felt an overwhelming gratitude that Kat and I have been taught by parents, friends, and the Spirit how to prepare a child to stand on her own, girded about with the armor of God.  The thought is so powerful to me.  I am also grateful that this extraordinary young woman has chosen to use her agency to choose to follow the Lord, vs. reject his teachings in lieu of allowing the current of the world to take her away with the normal, 'go with the flow' inertia that drags so many away from the solid footing of the shore.

review elder Bednar quoting Elder Holland.  Widening gap between the way of the world and the way of the Lord.

Sister Craig:

What a powerful message.  I am thinking of this young lady that approached and hugged the alone and hurting woman on the otherwise empty pew.  That act represents an understanding that this young woman had of who she was, and how she has something to offer, something to give, an opportunity to share part of herself and through her, the Savior's love.  

August 12, 2020

Great vacation last week with the family in California.  Been too long since we did something like that, just us.  MOm was with us which I think was great for her, it was certainly great for us.  I am so grateful for this family of mine.  We did some quality scripture study and I really see my kids trying to hear, to understand, and to think about what these things mean for the way they live their lives.

Reading in 1 Ne 20 and 21 today - a couple Isiah chapters.  Honest truth is that I am not yet sufficiently enlightened to get a lot out of them, but I still like to read them.  They sing, they are poetry, and every once in a while something sticks.  Today, it was out of Chapter 21, verses 23 and 25.  In 23 it says "for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me".  I wonder what that means.  I think the waiting here from my perspective is not as much waiting for his coming, though that may be the ultimate thing we have to wait for, but I think the hardest thing to wait for is understanding and knowledge - the clarity that vindicates those who believe.  The waiting that is hardest is for answers to the questions that are so, so hard to answer.  The hard stuff, like why do good people have to deal with so much bad luck?  Why did J.S. do some of the seemingly preposterous things he did?  Why do there seem to be contradictions between some church scripture and history?  Those are the things that, when confronted with them, it is hard not to feel ashamed when we must say, "I don't know, I'm waiting for clarity on that".  

Then again, waiting generally is a righteous endeavor.  I think many of the rewards we receive come after the trial of our faith, and I know no better trial of faith than to just wait, to quietly Wait.  I have watched my mom wait for some understanding of the rationale for the death of my father.  I've watched my wife wait for improvement in her emotional health while she works feverishly to do her part.  I think I can personally do a better job at p=quietly waiting.  

July 26, 2020

Been a few days.  I get reading done but I have struggled mightily to stay awake to write.  I am reading in Chapter 19 of 1 Nephi, it's when NEphi calls out that he may be making some mistakes in his judgment as to which book should be used to record which events.  Then he essentially says that from the beginning men have been making some pretty bad judgment calls.  

Yesterday in home church Tay talked about what is required to make it to Heaven, especially in light of scriptures like "Be ye therefore perfect".  She talked shared some quotes from Elder Holland and President Ballard that reminded us to try.  That's what we need to be doing - we need to be trying.  As I think aboiiut Nephi's reference to those who've gone before him and made mistakes, I think some may be trying to excuse himself because others have made mistakes too.   Kind of as if he's being petty and doing the, "I did this, but you did that" thing.  I don't think that's what Nephi is doing at all.

I think Nephi is saying, "I'm not perfect, and news flash, neither were the many prophets before me - because that's not what is expected of us".  I hope those who read it come away with the thought that Nephi, as the many prophets before him, aren't without flaw, and I don't have to be either.

I wonder what it is that causes us to fluctuate between the best of ourselves and the less great in ourselves, or that "natural being" that is within each of us.  I think it's that we forget about grace, and the atonement, and put on the humility that accompanies those whose hearts are full of gratitude for the mercy and grace of a loving Savior.  Interestingly that grace is not meant to make us feel guilt, it is meant for us to understand how loved we are, because of our divine worth.  Conversely the natural man in us is - in my opinion - by nature hungry for approval, for evidence that it is loved, revered, respected, feared, in short, worthy.  The atonement and the Holy Ghost entice us to love and accept ourselves because of our godly nature, our divine heritage, our infinite value to Heavenly parents for whom we are of infinite worth.  With God and the Savior's sacrifice, that divine worth is free - not to be earned, it's not limited so it doesn't have to be divided, it's eternal.  So one need not jockey for it, simply accept it and let it change us, and as it does we begin to approach perfection - perhaps not because of what we do from moment to moment, but because of our understanding of who we are: Infinite, invaluable, divine beings.

July 22, 2020

1 Ne: 17.  I really enjoy the ideas in verse 14.  It is a message about hindsight, retrospect.  "After you have arrived you shall know that I did deliver you".  This is tied to faith of course but is also a bit of a different idea that I like to consider.  You will see when you look back that the Lord has blessed you, though you might not see when you look at your immediate present, or your future, but he's saying that you will see when you have the chance to look back.

Kat has often expressed that her work as a mom and wife can feel repetitive, lacking meaningful impact, can seem insignificant, and unfortunately can sometimes just feel like the outcomes are not there given the amount of investment that is being made.  But in considering the promise of the Lord in verse 14, we can't expect to see immediate changes / results. But we DO need to give our kids, as we're teaching and preparing them, the opportunities to make decisions so they have the blessing of looking back and being able to see - in retrospect. 

July 20, 2020

I wanted to elaborate on the post from yesterday, because as I was sharing some of those scriptures with my family, some additional insights came to mind that I thought I might want to capture.  As I spoke to my kids about letting the mistakes of one another go and not use them as opportunities to belittle or to criticize, I was reminded of the time when I was 14 and wrecked my dad's car.  Shouldn't have even been driving, much less wrecking.  Well, he knew how I felt, and he said nothing other than, first, "Are you OK?"  Followed by a kind but obvious reminder, "you're going to have to figure out how to pay for that."  He never criticized me, he held me accountable, but with love and kindness.

Then I thought about the Savior.  How does He handle us when we fail him?  DOes he rub our noses in it?  Or does he just 'let it go' and not critize?  He actually does neither, he literally looks for ways to help us rise from the guilt we feel from our mistakes, to remember and take advantage of the atonement, thereby enabling us to continue to grow and stretch ourselves, and in so doing become more like the Savior.

What an example.  How can I, when I see mistakes, increase my love for the one who committed them, so that through me they can see and believe that they are larger and more valuable than a mistake, and that they can rise above it.  How can I help people see their weaknesses becoming strengths through forgiveness, and trust in the Savior's promises?

July 18, 2020

Reading in 1 Nephi 16 and of course thought a bit about all the things I think about in this chapter.  "Guilty despise truth", how all people have sometihng in them that wants to do good - especially when times are smooth sailing and blessings abound, but the selfish and self important have little patience for Heavenly Father's trials.  Obviously the challenge of righteous living isn't much of a challenge when the hunting and gathering are smooth, food is plentiful, and you just found a wife.  But when it goes South, even a little, how quickly we forget...

However, of that I am not inclined to write tonight.  Those are all thoughts upon which I have ruminated but tonight I want to consider something different: that is verse 21, right at the beginning.  He states, "I Nephi having been afflicted with my brethren".  I wonder if we think enough about the turmoil of those who may hav made choices that negatively impact us, but do we consider the "affliction" they are feeling?  I know I personally would prefer be the one who is hurt by the choice of another than be the one making the bad choice.  SOmetimes when I 'm the one who has made the choice that hurts others,  I wanto them to see, hear, and feel how badly I wish I could fix what I have done, take away their pain.  But I can't.  All i really can do is try to be the person I'm trying to be, and hope the efforts I have made to be that person overshadow my mistakes.  I guess the point I'm making is that good people feel the effects of their mistakes deeply, and in my opinion there is rarely any good in point out to good peopel that we're upset about their mistake.  They get it, more than anybody.

That said, as a parent I'm constantly falling into the trap of jumping on a kid for a mistake that they already feel terrible about.  I don't know exactly why I do that.  The drug of anger is a powerful one.  It's like there's something in us that wants out - some level of anger that is looking for a voice, for a situation to make itself known.  Did Nephi really need to hear his brothers, even his dad murmuring about what seems to potentially have been something Nephi did that perhaps was avoidable.  I love however, that he uses this scripture to express that he too is feeling the effects of his mistake.  

I need to do better about taking advantage of people by using their mistakes as an opportunity to let the angry beast out. ANd what I do know to be true, is that the more I yield to the power that drives me to lose my patience and understanding, the more I am inclined to untether that beast again.  Anger is a drug, and the more we use it, the more we are inclined to use it.  

July 15, 2020

Reading chapter 15 tonight and I'm pretty tired, and as such my brain is not gathering up a lot of the wheat from this particular chapter.  I guess the only thing that pops out hit me in verse 14 but we see it all over in the chapter.  It is the word come.  I have talked about this before in a post or two, but in this case it's not coming to Him, it's coming to knowledge, of the Reedeemer, of the gospel, of the doctrine, unto the true fold of God.

Things are out there to be consumed, so long as we are willing to come to them.  They have been there from eternity to eternity, they are principles of the everlasting, and we just need to go where they are; heaven knows they will not come to us.  -